


Lover's Discourse

by tallestgirlonearth



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Inspired by Literature, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:00:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28692858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tallestgirlonearth/pseuds/tallestgirlonearth
Summary: A squeeze of the hand - enormous documentation - a tiny gesture within the palm, a knee which doesn't move away, an arm extended, as if quite naturally. Silent signs of affection between Sonny and Rafael.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Lover's Discourse

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since "Sightless in a Savage Land" was announced, I've been on a roll...at least when it comes to ideas and fragments of plots that I'd like to write some day. 
> 
> This is one that I decided to follow through on, just because the quote that inspired this (from Roland Barthes' _A Lover's Discourse_ ) is so beautiful and fitting. 
> 
> Hope you like, if you do a comment or kudos would be very much appreciated :)

_**A squeeze of the hand – enormous documentation** _

Having a private life as a NYPD detective is almost impossible, as Sonny Carisi can confirm. For the longest time, he tried so hard to prove himself to his co-workers and worked insane hours as a result. He only ever met new people on a case, and that wasn’t exactly an environment conductive to forming romantic (or even sexual) attachments. As proud as his family was of his job, his lack of a relationship was a perpetual reason of concern, especially for his overbearing, if well-meaning, mother.

These days, he is no longer single, but he has a different problem: How to keep a relationship under wraps when you’re surrounded by experienced detectives? After struggling with his sexuality and what it meant for his faith for years and years, he finally feels whole and happy with his partner – a man. Devastatingly intelligent with a well-hidden soft heart and the most handsome man Sonny has ever laid eyes on, his man is everything Sonny ever wished for in a partner. However, their actual, stable, committed relationship is not even six months old, and neither of them feel like advertising it yet.

Still, they’re so in love, and “not advertising it” becomes pretty difficult when the whole body sings at the other’s presence, when their glance softens, when they can’t help but smile upon seeing each other, when simply being in the same room makes them ecstatically happy.

They make do in their own way, after all discretion and subterfuge are a part of their daily business.

The squad and their ADA are crowded around the conference table, discussing the progress in their latest case – an extremely ugly assault by a man on his teenage daughter, with inconclusive evidence, and neither an actual outcry nor confession. A rape they cannot prove is literally the worst of the many bad things they are confronted with in their line of work, and the stress levels are through the roof.

But now, Sonny may have found a break.

“So, remember how the mother went on and on about them bein’ super close, but the older sister says it’s complete bullshit, how Rosalie and her dad were nothin’ alike, and the dad always seemed to resent her? Well, I did some diggin’ and get this…”

He explains that after some research into the family records, residences, birth certificates and the like, he’s discovered that Rosalie, the victim, was apparently born two months prematurely, and registered under her mother’s maiden name. Using his good -boy-meaning-no-harm vibes, he’s then leant on the mother and through some subtle probing and a hefty dose of guilt-tripping managed her to fess up: Rosalie is not her father’s daughter, and the man in question, the prime suspect, always saw her as an undeserving outsider.

“That’s all very interesting, Carisi, but it’s their mess to deal with, not ours.”

That’s Fin, dismissing the discovery, but Sonny can be like a dog with a bone if the situation calls for it.

“No, c’mon, don’t you see? They lied. They all lied to Rosalie, the mother, the father, hell maybe even the older sister! But that ideal of the wholesome, perfect family, that’s why Rosalie hasn’t talked. Despite the assault on her, she didn’t want to disrupt everybody else’s life. She didn’t want to destroy her family, only now it’s not her family, is it?”

Barba is staring at him intensely.

Lieu tilts her head questioningly and asks, “where are you going with this, Carisi?”

“If Rosalie finds out her whole life, the family she wants to protect, is a sham, don’t you think she might open up? And maybe even the mum, and her older sister? They’ve all carried this burden for so long, don’t you think it’d be a relief to finally talk about it? And if they talk, I’m pretty sure we can get them to implicate the dad.”

Olivia nods slowly, and turns to Barba for confirmation.

“Well, since this is the only, if half-baked, idea on the table, do it. Maybe an appeal to the sisterhood of women will get them where we need them.”

It’s hardly a ringing endorsement of his investigative skills, but Sonny has to bite back a grin nonetheless.

The grin breaks out in full force, when Barba, after having packed up his files, brushes past him on his way out and briefly pats him on the shoulder.

A seemingly innocent touch, like the slightly patronising clap you would give a junior colleague.

Only Sonny can feel the warmth of Rafael’s hand through his shirt, can smell the fresh, woodsy scent of his cologne, can see the affectionate sparkle in his eyes.

And judging by the slightest uptick of Rafael’s lips, he has seen the same feelings reflected in Sonny’s eyes.

The touch lingers just a tad too long and is definitely too gentle for a gesture between colleagues, but the rest of the squad have already moved on to other things, paying the silent documentation of their love no mind.

_**A tiny gesture within the palm** _

“You win some, you lose some,” is all Buchanan says but it may as well have been a slap across the cheek. Sonny just glares at the defense attorney and then shoulders his way past him, because the man this callous statement was aimed at has already stormed out of the courtroom.

Their chain of evidence was flawless, the witnesses were well prepped and Rafael was a whirlwind of legal brilliance, but it was all for nothing. A famous defendant and Buchanan’s unique brand of jovial and smarmy charm were enough to sway the jury. Rafael almost objected himself into contempt for the second time this month, which just added salt to the wound.

Sonny rushes into the hallway and spots Rafael surrounded by the other SVU detectives. They surround him, protecting him from any remarks by the defendant or his friends, but this almost unconscious gesture of support does nothing to curb the ADA’s temper. He is a ball of tension - short, jerky movements and hissed consonants and Sonny wants to hug him, so much.

He approaches the group, and Fin steps aside to make room for him.

“ – and who knows what family court will do, you know Judge Linden has even less patience for grandstanding than Bertuccio.”

That’s Liv, trying to calm down Barba. It’s no use, though. There is no love lost between ADA and judge, a simmering mutual resentment surfaces whenever Rafael is trying a particularly challenging case. The ADA is a true ally for the survivors, and everyone at SVU knows that his views tend to clash with a member of the traditional well-to-do old boys’ network, which Bertuccio embodies like nobody else.

That’s all his fellow detectives see, though. An angry ADA, furious because he didn’t get the win and the bragging rights. Liv at least is close enough to Barba to be aware that the man tends to take a loss personally, but only Sonny can see how deep the frustration truly goes.

Sonny can see the pain cloud Rafael’s eyes, turning the sparkling green murky, and he knows it’s purely because Rafael blames himself. He does everything he can, works himself to the bone, and still believes it’s not enough.

Sonny’s heart aches.

Again, he wants to tug Rafael close, to shield him with his own body and protect him from the glances of those who call him an arrogant, rude asshole. He wants to touch him, to ground him, to hold him and whisper soft words of reassurances. He wants to tell Rafael that he’s doing so much good, and doesn’t get nearly enough credit. The words are burning on his tongue.

You are good.

You are loved.

You are more than enough – for them, and for me. You are everything I ever wanted.

Later, when they’re alone, he will say what he can’t get out now. The hallways are busy, teeming with people, and there is no privacy to be had, so when Rafael looks up at him, and Sonny can’t help but reach out, he swiftly suppresses his urge and makes a throwaway gesture with his hand instead. An open palm, waving away the loss with a flick of the wrist – and Sonny hopes that Rafael can see in his eyes what he really wants to do instead.

_**A knee which doesn’t move away** _

As much shit as life throws their way, sometimes even the detectives of Manhattan’s SVU catch a windfall – a clear-cut case, determined witnesses, flawless chain of evidence. When such a stroke of good fortune gives them the verdicts they want, the squad meets at Forlini’s, their favoured haunt, to unwind and enjoy an evening where the biggest trouble is who has to relieve their sitter first. Shooting the shit and downing a couple beers is always fun, but the best evenings tend to happen when their ADA crams himself into a booth with them. As much as he can be a pain in the ass during work hours, his sharp wit and lightning-quick comebacks make him an excellent companion after hours.

Sonny enjoy these occasions even more than everybody else, not because Rafael is there with them, but because of where he’ll go when they call it a night, and who he’ll go with.

Most of the nights, Rafael will go with him.

Their relationship has developed slowly, but steadily, neither wanting to rush something that they knew in their bones could be something extraordinary. They had spoken briefly about it during those first few dates and decided to take their time, and it has paid off.

Sonny now barely remembers the time when he didn’t know Rafael inside out, when he couldn’t read the man like an open book. In turn, Rafael has told him that he has never felt as safe, as at peace as he is with Sonny, before.

It’s been a little over a year now and while they haven’t had the discussion yet, Sonny is sure it won’t be too long until one of them mentions moving in with each other. They’re halfway there already and rarely spend a night apart, unless Rafael has a court appearance early in the morning.

But tonight is an easy night.

They sit surrounded by their colleagues, their friends, and the alcohol has loosened them enough to talk about their private lives instead of work. Liv and Amanda are showing photos of their children, besting one another’s tales of kindergarden accomplishments and playdates. Occasionally, Fin chimes in and shares something about his grandson.

Sonny and Rafael listen and appear wholly engrossed in the conversation, barely sparing each other a glance, even though they sit next to each other.

Under the table, out of eyesight, their legs are touching all the way from their knees to their thighs.

The week has been awful – after a brief lull over Thanksgiving, SVU has been swamped with cases, many of which have gone on to trial. Sonny and Rafael have barely seen each other for the past few days and they spent the nights alone. A brief glance, a brush of a hand, a quick are you okay on the rare occasion when Sonny had time to run files to the DA’s office has been all…all the while kept apart by work and the people surrounding them. Over the course of the past months, they have gotten so used to the other’s presence that they feel like half a person when they’re not able to talk in peace, to share a meal or a glass of wine curled up on the sofa together.

The touch of their knees, not moving an inch the entire evening, is a much-needed reminder that they’re here, with each other. They’re gonna get out of here soon, Rafael is going to come home with Sonny, and they will fall asleep in each other’s arms tonight – and in the morning, Sonny will kiss him awake.

Tomorrow, and hopefully all the days after.

**_An arm extended, as if quite naturally, along the back of a sofa and against which the other’s head gradually comes to rest_ **

If you had asked Sonny a couple of years ago where he saw himself at age forty, he would have given the following answer: Hopefully, future him found somewhere to settle and wasn’t moved around from precinct to precinct anymore. That would be the first thing, really, because it’s hard to find stability in any aspect of your life when you don’t know where you’ll have to commute to next week. If future Sonny found stability, then it’s entirely possible he finished law school as well, maybe even took the bar exam. That last thought comes with a very big maybe though, because taking the bar usually means being proactive about becoming an actual, practising lawyer instead of just being someone with a JD. The difference is huge, and future Sonny would have to be extremely confident about his abilities to take that step. Lastly, all previously mentioned thoughts about stability and job security taken into consideration, past Sonny would have wished his future self a loving relationship with a woman or man he could finally introduce to his parents.

Whatever the case, past Sonny would have hoped for a good life, maybe even a happy one. At any time, past, present or future, Sonny is a humble person and no matter what he secretly dreams of, he’s content with the small moments of joy.

The younger, brasher, less refined version of Sonny would have never imagined the situation he finds himself in tonight, the night of his birthday: He’s a respected junior detective, more than that, he’s an ADA with his fair share of cases under his belt. Not exactly a veteran yet, at least not at the DA’s office, but he’s come a long way regardless. Nothing reflects this more than his current surroundings.

A newly renovated, spacious flat on the Upper West Side.

Filled with his family, parents and siblings being loudly affectionate, as always.

Filled with his former squad, who became friends instead of merely colleagues long ago.

Above all, the apartment is filled with the presence of his partner of six years. The man he couldn’t even have dreamed up, yet finds himself ridiculously, deliriously, irrevocably in love with.

Rafael.

His Rafi, the love of his life, who’s currently sitting on the sofa, chatting to Liv and his Dad, wisely staying out of the mayhem that is the entire Carisi family in one place.

It may be Sonny’s party, but that doesn’t mean he can relax, not when various siblings, nephews and nieces are clamouring for his attention. He never minds, happily giving piggyback rides, admiring paintings, and answering any and all questions the kids fire at him, but he’s been up all day doing arraignment court, and he can feel the exhausting creeping in underneath all the excitement.

Finally, when Noah shouts for Liv to come and watch his and Jessie’s new dance routine, Sonny seizes the opportunity and collapses onto the sofa.

“How’s it going, son?” His father grins at him. “Rafael here was just telling me about your stint in the tombs last week.”

Sonny laughs. The case in question was tough enough, but just when he thought justice for the victim was served, the judge overturned the verdict and Sonny objected himself into contempt – his first time, and probably not the last either. At the time it wasn’t particularly funny, not while he was nursing a bruised ego and a considerable amount frustration, but Rafael managed to talk him down. His partner also shared some of his own early exploits, and Sonny was relieved to hear that many a young ADA got carried away by his enthusiasm.

“Well, Dad, did he also mention his own fits of temper in a courtroom? ‘Cause if you’re looking for stories, I got plenty.”

Next to him, Rafael rolls his eyes, but his expression is fond.

“I’m sure nobody wants to hear them, cariño, everyone already knows I’m a prickly asshole.”

Their friends laugh and nod, and Sonny just snuggles into his partner’s side and basks in the atmosphere.

Rafi doesn’t speak about his feelings a lot, but his actions communicate them clearly. Even before they got together, he gave Sonny whatever time he could to mentor him on his way to become an ADA. Once their relationship progressed past friends and they became lovers, he let himself be dragged out to Staten Island to meet the family, and now he willingly shares Sonny with the whole clan. A big sacrifice to make, as big, loud and tight-knit as they are. Big, boozy barbecues with dozens of cousins, screaming children, and talk about the NFL season aren’t really Rafi’s thing, and when Sonny asked him to spend the Labor Day weekend on Staten Island for the first time, he fully expected a vehement refusal - but Rafi said yes, and that’s when Sonny knew they were in it for the long haul. He treasures that memory, and the feeling that came with it – warmth all over, a beating heart, a fluttering stomach, and giddiness in every single cell of his body.

Just like Sonny feels now, snuggled into his partner’s side, with Rafi’s arm slung across the back of the sofa, a hand absently toying with the soft strands of hair curling at Sonny’s neck. He is surrounded by family and of friends, all of whom love him and Rafi.

It’s perfect.

**_This is the paradisiac realm of subtle and clandestine signs: A kind of festival not of the senses but of meaning._ **


End file.
